Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Ten Common "Fixes" That Don't Really Fix Anything (Or: Even if it IS broke, sometimes you just shouldn't try to fix it.)

1.) "Patches" for quitting everything from smoking to eating to ovulating.  All I see happening here is a Patch addiction.  And where's the patch for that?!

2.)  Fad diets. Although, if you buy into enough of them, they will certainly kill you.  And I have never seen a fat corpse.  So maybe there is a loophole to my theory on this one. Still, if you find yourself eating a slab of meat topped with cheese and butter even as you eschew the whole grain in the name of a smaller dress size, question your approach to life.

3.) Everything you see on HGTV, for two reasons: First, they have unlimited money and time. Second, they get a different family every single week.  So of course Home = happy.

4.) Magazine quizzes.  Who among us hasn't wanted to know which celebrity we most resemble in the fashion department, or which of the four love languages we speak?  All I'm saying is, don't throw away your wardrobe or your marriage based on advice sandwiched between a perfume sample and a Kardashian family update.

5.) "Sugar Free" candies and baked goods.  And don't try to sell me on the diabetes angle, either.  Not unless you can cure my asthma with oxygen-free air.

6.) Web MD.  Originally intended to provide information and resources, this has become the hypochondriac's downfall.  My recent attempts to avoid a doctor's appointment by Googling dehydration symptoms led me to Urgicare in a self-diagnosed malaria panic.

7.) The "add a little more flour" concept. You're baking a cake. The batter is too moist. You add a little more flour. Oops, too thick.  You add a little more water. Oops, too moist again.  A little more flour. Oops.  A little more water.  Oops.  A little more flour. Pasteball Cake, anyone?

8.) Clear nail polish to remedy a pantyhose rip.  Great idea in the middle of a work day. Not so great when you're peeling and stripping said pantyhose (and your epidermis) off your leg ten hours later.

9.) The common problem: bad hair day. The common fix: the Scrunchie.  I don't think I need to elaborate.

10.) Screaming louder and slower as a language translation technique.  We've all done it.  If I couldn't hear or understand the "How are you doing?" then the only thing the "HOW ARE YOU DOING?" has fixed is my once-wavering opinion that you may actually be smarter than you look.

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