Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Top Ten Reasons I Long For the Rotary Phone of My Childhood (Or, Why the Cell Phone Sucks)

1.)  You know how you always call me when you're doing the dishes, so we can chat while you have a free moment?  Yeah, well, that dainty stream of water trickling out of your faucet sounds like Old Faithful on my end.  Call me back when you can talk to me without your kitchen sink geyser erupting into the phone and slamming against my eardrum.

2.) The Bluetooth.  It has been around forever. If you want to pretend to think I'm talking to myself when I have mine in, go right ahead.  But the next time you stick your hand in my face to "shh" me because you are talking into yours, we're gonna rumble.

3.) The dropped call.  I am putting you and the world of potential callers on notice: I'm barely interested in my stories the first time I tell them.  Should we lose the call, I refuse to re-tell said story. Also, I refuse to spend the 20 minutes after we reconnect debating whose phone actually lost the call. (Incidentally, it was probably your phone.  Just sayin)

4.) Choose your ringback tones wisely.  If we are friends, chances are you're over 35.  If Rihanna's *S&M* starts playing into my ear while I wait for you to answer, chances are we're not friends anymore.  Because what starts with Rihanna ends with a belly shirt -- and I refuse to stand by and watch as you become a midlife crisis casulty.

5.) The dead battery.  I don't understand how that happens on a regular basis.  How does a cell battery constantly die without your knowledge?  I'm guessing you're also one of the Christmas "victims" stuck at the mall on December 24 at 8:50pm complaining about how the holidays always sneak up on you.

6.) Apps.  But this one is more about my irritation with people who refuse to use complete words.  Is "Applications" so time consuming?  Or exhausting?  And also, I don't want to be part of your secret abbreviation society anyway, so the joke's on  you.

7.)  Text messaging.  What's to like about this feature? Initially designed to serve as a quick, succinct "call me when you can," it has replaced talking and has made illiteracy trendy:  FYI, LOL if I m rite.

8.)  Walking and talking.  Let's face it  - mobility is utility.  And the ability to take a call while moving through the world is the whole point of the cell phone. But not unlike the gentle stream of water on your end, your simple right-together/left-together/right-together/left-together sounds like an angry Clydesdale  mauling a herd of mad cattle on my end.  Lose the heels.  Or better yet, call me only when you're seated.

9.) If you are on your cell phone and I am standing in front of you, I don't plan to stick around while you finish your call.  Not unless you can produce satisfactory documentation proving that your call was a life-and-death situation.  And I take this stand on behalf of all salespeople, wait staff, and public servants in general:   Finish your oh-so-important call, then get in line and use my time wisely.

10.) The "new and shocking data" that hits the news circuits at least once a month, threatening us all with various forms of radiation-induced illness.  After 38 years of xrays, CAT scans, MRIs, and excessive sun exposure, I'm looking for something a little more solution-oriented than a "You are so screwed, America!" from the Mayo Clinic.

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