Friday, June 8, 2012

Making My Own Music

Lately, every time I turn on the radio, I feel old.  Not only is every popular singer/singing group under the age of 20 (it seems), most of them have names I either don't understand or can't pronounce.  So I started thinking - what if I were to suddenly hit the music/entertainment scene?  What would I call myself?  What would I sing?  After decades of music theater, I realize that I couldn’t pull off a pop version of "My White Knight" from The Music Man, or my standard “One Feathered Tail” from my Suessical days.  So I started looking at the hottest artists – their names, their songs, their branding, and I think I’ve come up with some age-appropriate alternatives for myself, should an agent suddenly call and beg me to sign on:


Artist Name: LMFAO                                 
Hasky Alternative: WTF?

Artist Name: Lady Gaga                                                                            
Hasky Alternative: Hasky Haha

Artist Name: One Direction                                             
Hasky Alternative: Aimless

Artist Name:  Beyonce                                                                                          
Hasky Alternative: Beytwice

Artist Name: Pit Bull                                                                                  
Hasky Alternative: Schnoodle

Artist Name: Young the Giant                                                                            
Hasky Alternative: Old the Gluten-Intolerant

Artist Name: Kanye                                                                                   
Hasky Alternative: Proye

Artist Name: Jay-Z                                                                        
Hasky Alternative: Hazy

Artist Name: Lil’ Wayne                                                                           
Hasky Alternative: A-cup Hasky

Artist Name: Slim Shady                                                                                      
Hasky Alternative: Body Dysmorphic


Songs/Lyrics: I’m sexy and I know it
Hasky Alternative: My thighs could use some work

Songs/Lyrics: Put a ring on it
Hasky Alternative:  Step off! I’m a commitment-phobe.

Songs/Lyrics: You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no …
Hasky Alternative:  I’m peri-menopausal and indecisive

Songs/Lyrics: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you …
Hasky Alternative:  I am NOT insane! I am just doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Songs/Lyrics: Marry the Night
Hasky Alternative:  Piss off the Republicans: Marry the Night

Songs/Lyrics: You Are So Beautiful
Hasky Alternative:  Good thing You Have a Great Sense of Humor

Songs/Lyrics: Birthday Cake
Hasky Alternative:  Corn-free, Gluten-free, Wheat-free, Dairy-free Cake-like stuff with a candle stuck in the middle.

Songs/Lyrics: Drunk on You
Hasky Alternative:  Designated Single

Songs/Lyrics: I Won’t Give Up
Hasky Alternative:  I’m Throwin’ in the Towel  

Songs/Lyrics: Give Me All Your Lovin’
Hasky Alternative:  Unless You’re Dipped in Chocolate, Get Outta My Personal Space                                                                                    

Finally, in a rare, never-to-happen again moment, I would like to thank Justin Bieber – since he burst onto the scene and spread Bieber Fever all over the place, every kid over the age of 4 now knows that “i” comes before “e.”  Thank you, Justin, for doing in ten minutes what many English teachers struggle to do over four years of high school.