Sunday, August 4, 2013

Albany, New York is Not Your Friend.

Last week, a report in Conde Nast Traveler Magazine declared the city of Albany, New York the "13th most unfriendly in the world and seventh most unfriendly in the country."  Apparently, Albany is unhappy, and Albany is striking back.  I get it.  No one wants to be labelled, especially when the label is negative.  And especially when the negative label fits.
But here's the thing -- we have a saying in memoir that goes something like this (depending on which iteration you hear): "If you didn't want me to write 'bad stuff' about you, then you should have behaved better."

So for the sake of your own sanity, chill out, Albany. You're unfriendly. Big deal. I'm an absolute bitch if I don't get breakfast within an hour of my morning workout. (And let's face it, it's not as if a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of tea turns me into Mary Poppins.  It merely brings my bitchy to a more bearable moody that most people areound me can handle.) But getting all defensive when someone holds a mirror up to your face is super unattractive and really just makes you look like a monkey on a cupcake.
I recommend you just focus on responding to the increasing numbers of shootings and stabbings, and for the love of all that is holy please do something about the strange, unidentifable smell lurking in Center Square.  Don't get caught up in the business of being prom queen. Those girls usually end up with a bunch of kids and a cheating husband before age 30 anyway.  Accept that you are, for the most part, and with very few exceptions, an unwelcoming mecca of indifference and intolerance, and simply move on.  You have bigger things to worry about, like crime reduction and saved lives ... you know, the things that really matter.
P.S. I apologize for unintentilnally offending any former prom queens. I once shared the above prom queen opinion with a woman who had actually been a prom queen (20 years before) and who really needed me to know that not ALL former prom queens have a bunch of kids and a cheating husband. I tried to both apologize and clarify by being all "Touche, I hear you. Maybe it's just your cheating husband who has all the kids," but that only seemed to upset her more. I don't know why. Alimony versus a bunch of screaming kids? Silver linings and lemonade, folks. Silver linings and lemonade.