Friday, June 8, 2012

Making My Own Music

Lately, every time I turn on the radio, I feel old.  Not only is every popular singer/singing group under the age of 20 (it seems), most of them have names I either don't understand or can't pronounce.  So I started thinking - what if I were to suddenly hit the music/entertainment scene?  What would I call myself?  What would I sing?  After decades of music theater, I realize that I couldn’t pull off a pop version of "My White Knight" from The Music Man, or my standard “One Feathered Tail” from my Suessical days.  So I started looking at the hottest artists – their names, their songs, their branding, and I think I’ve come up with some age-appropriate alternatives for myself, should an agent suddenly call and beg me to sign on:


Artist Name: LMFAO                                 
Hasky Alternative: WTF?

Artist Name: Lady Gaga                                                                            
Hasky Alternative: Hasky Haha

Artist Name: One Direction                                             
Hasky Alternative: Aimless

Artist Name:  Beyonce                                                                                          
Hasky Alternative: Beytwice

Artist Name: Pit Bull                                                                                  
Hasky Alternative: Schnoodle

Artist Name: Young the Giant                                                                            
Hasky Alternative: Old the Gluten-Intolerant

Artist Name: Kanye                                                                                   
Hasky Alternative: Proye

Artist Name: Jay-Z                                                                        
Hasky Alternative: Hazy

Artist Name: Lil’ Wayne                                                                           
Hasky Alternative: A-cup Hasky

Artist Name: Slim Shady                                                                                      
Hasky Alternative: Body Dysmorphic


Songs/Lyrics: I’m sexy and I know it
Hasky Alternative: My thighs could use some work

Songs/Lyrics: Put a ring on it
Hasky Alternative:  Step off! I’m a commitment-phobe.

Songs/Lyrics: You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no …
Hasky Alternative:  I’m peri-menopausal and indecisive

Songs/Lyrics: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you …
Hasky Alternative:  I am NOT insane! I am just doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Songs/Lyrics: Marry the Night
Hasky Alternative:  Piss off the Republicans: Marry the Night

Songs/Lyrics: You Are So Beautiful
Hasky Alternative:  Good thing You Have a Great Sense of Humor

Songs/Lyrics: Birthday Cake
Hasky Alternative:  Corn-free, Gluten-free, Wheat-free, Dairy-free Cake-like stuff with a candle stuck in the middle.

Songs/Lyrics: Drunk on You
Hasky Alternative:  Designated Single

Songs/Lyrics: I Won’t Give Up
Hasky Alternative:  I’m Throwin’ in the Towel  

Songs/Lyrics: Give Me All Your Lovin’
Hasky Alternative:  Unless You’re Dipped in Chocolate, Get Outta My Personal Space                                                                                    

Finally, in a rare, never-to-happen again moment, I would like to thank Justin Bieber – since he burst onto the scene and spread Bieber Fever all over the place, every kid over the age of 4 now knows that “i” comes before “e.”  Thank you, Justin, for doing in ten minutes what many English teachers struggle to do over four years of high school.


  1. Heather, these are excellent and got some good chuckles. Thank you!

  2. Okay...why didn't I know you had a blog? Oh Hasky, this post cracked me up! Would you hurry up and write a book already? I wanna buy it!


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