Lately, every time I turn on the radio, I feel old. Not only is every popular singer/singing group under the age of 20 (it seems), most of them have names I either don't understand or can't pronounce. So I started thinking - what if I were to suddenly hit the music/entertainment scene? What would I call myself? What would I sing? After decades of music theater, I realize that I couldn’t pull off a pop version of "My White Knight" from The Music Man, or my standard “One Feathered Tail” from my Suessical days. So I started looking at the hottest artists – their names, their songs, their branding, and I think I’ve come up with some age-appropriate alternatives for myself, should an agent suddenly call and beg me to sign on:
Artist Name: Kanye
Songs/Lyrics: Put a ring on it
Songs/Lyrics: Drunk on You
NAME IDEAS
Artist Name: LMFAO
Hasky Alternative: WTF?
Artist Name: Lady Gaga
Hasky Alternative: Hasky Haha
Artist Name: One Direction
Hasky Alternative: Aimless
Artist Name: Beyonce
Hasky Alternative: Beytwice
Artist Name: Pit Bull
Hasky Alternative: Schnoodle
Artist Name: Young the Giant
Hasky Alternative: Old the Gluten-Intolerant
Artist Name: Kanye
Hasky Alternative: Proye
Artist Name: Jay-Z
Hasky Alternative: Hazy
Artist Name: Lil’ Wayne
Hasky Alternative: A-cup Hasky
Artist Name: Slim Shady
Hasky Alternative: Body Dysmorphic
SONG/LYRIC IDEAS:
Songs/Lyrics: I’m sexy and I know it
Hasky Alternative: My thighs could use some work
Songs/Lyrics: Put a ring on it
Hasky Alternative: Step off! I’m a commitment-phobe.
Songs/Lyrics: You’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes and you’re no …
Hasky Alternative: I’m peri-menopausal and indecisive
Songs/Lyrics: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you …
Hasky Alternative: I am NOT insane! I am just doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Songs/Lyrics: Marry the Night
Hasky Alternative: Piss off the Republicans: Marry the Night
Songs/Lyrics: You Are So Beautiful
Hasky Alternative: Good thing You Have a Great Sense of Humor
Songs/Lyrics: Birthday Cake
Hasky Alternative: Corn-free, Gluten-free, Wheat-free, Dairy-free Cake-like stuff with a candle stuck in the middle.
Songs/Lyrics: Drunk on You
Hasky Alternative: Designated Single
Songs/Lyrics: I Won’t Give Up
Hasky Alternative: I’m Throwin’ in the Towel
Songs/Lyrics: Give Me All Your Lovin’
Hasky Alternative: Unless You’re Dipped in Chocolate, Get Outta My Personal Space
Finally, in a rare, never-to-happen again moment, I would like to thank Justin Bieber – since he burst onto the scene and spread Bieber Fever all over the place, every kid over the age of 4 now knows that “i” comes before “e.” Thank you, Justin, for doing in ten minutes what many English teachers struggle to do over four years of high school.
