Friday, January 20, 2012

Here is the news as I see it ...

It isn't enough to simply "follow" the news. One must actually engage with the news.  One must think critically, and read between the lines, and process the information for oneself.  That being said, here is my take on a few of the more recent "breaking" stories:

1.  Elton John has publicly dissed Madonna for something.  I'm not sure what he's upset about, but my reaction to the feud went something like this: "Awwww, it's so cute when old people bicker."

2.  The Captain of the recently sunken cruise ship off the coast of Italy apparently jumped into a life boat and abandoned the 40,000 people whose lives he knowingly jeopardized by driving too close to shore.  When asked why he did something so cowardly and self-serving before refusing to obey the Coastguard and return to his sinking ship, he responded: "I tripped and fell into a lifeboat and accidentally ended up on shore."  I suspect he is one of those people who also believes in "accidental pregnancy" and "inexplicable weight gain."

3.  Casey Anthony has adopted a rescue dog, effectively erasing any concerns I had about my ability to provide my new puppy with a safe, loving, stable home. 

4.  In related news, Casey Anthony also appears to have started a blog as a way of sharing her plight and her perspective on life, thereby erasing my concerns that my blog is the most narcissistic bit of gibberish currently living online.

5. Anthony Bourdain has labelled Food Network star Paula Dean "the worst, most dangerous person to America."  At the risk of indulging in redundancy, allow me to recap numbers 3 and 4 above: I repeat, Casey Anthony has adopted a dog and is now blogging from her home.  Where she lives.  In freedom.  Near children.  Possibly even near you.  Now, could someone please pass the butter?

6.   A Georgia woman was arrested this week for allowing her 10 year-old son to get a tattoo on his arm. The tattoo, which says "Rest in Peace," was the 10 year-old's way of remembering his older brother, who recently died in a car accident.  When questioned, the child's mother stated: "What do I say to a child ... that wants to remember his brother?"  She went on to insist: "I always thought that if a parent give consent, then it's fine."  Apparently, however, Georgia state law forbids anyone but a doctor to tattoo a child under the age of 18.  Makes sense, since 18 is the age at which other forms of self-mutiliation typically become legal - i.e. driving alone after dark, voting for president, etc.  What I really want to know is, how many Georgia doctor's offices have garages full of tattoo equipment and beer kegs to distract patients from the fact that they are running two hours behind schedule?  Suddenly, my doctor's 1995 magazines and perpetually empty water cooler just became a whole lot less tolerable.

7.  Tiger Woods is upset that his former swing coach, Hank Haney,  has written a book about the six years he spent working with Woods.  Calling the book "Unprofessional and Disappointing," Tiger stated "I'm not going to waste my time reading it."  And why should he, when there are affairs to be had, and games to be lost?  After all, in the time it would take Woods to sound out all the big words, his mother could read it for him and tell him it was a story all about what a good little boy he is. 

8.  President Obama made an appearance at Disney World this week.  While Obama announced initiatives aimed at making it easier for citizens of China and Brazil to visit the United States, Mitt Romney hid inside the Goofy costume pointing and laughing. See, even in the absence of jobs and in the midst of a struggling economy, Disney really is the most delusional place on Earth.

9. And the "Occupy" movement rages on. According to the Associated Press, "protesters plan to 'occupy' courthouses in more than 100 cities across the U.S. on Friday to protest a landmark U.S. Supreme Court decision that removed most limits on corporate and labor spending in federal elections ... to gain support for a constitutional amendment that would overturn Citizens United v. FEC, a 2010 court ruling that allowed private groups to spend huge amounts on political campaigns with few restrictions." Translation:  It's winter: Let's Occupy an inside venue.

10. I thoroughly enjoyed last night's Republican debate in South Carolina. The debate's host opened by asking Newt Gingrich about his ex-wife's claims that Gingrich wanted an open marriage.  Evidently, pro-life and pro-wife do not always go hand in hand.  Other debate highlights: Gingrich wore a stunning red tie, while Mitt Romney appeared to have gotten a haircut for the occassion.

1 comment:

  1. when i watch newt gingrich i can't help thinking that no one really wants a president who looks like captain kangaroo


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