The Top 10 Conversations I Could Do Without

1.)  Me:  I have a corn intolerance and can't eat corn or corn products.
      Response: What happens?

2.)  Me: Do you know what the weather is supposed to be tomorrow?
      Response: Why?

3.)  Me: I made cookies for everyone.
      Response: Oh I hate you.  You're making me blow my diet.

4.)  Me: I can't eat anything these days.
       Response: You're so lucky.

5.)  Me: Great! I have a cavity.
      Response: Thousands of people died in the earthquake.

6.)  Me: I'm trying to adopt a dog.
       Response:  So you decided to stay single and childless?

7.)   Me: I do yoga and/or meditation every day.
       Response: When will it start working?

8.)   Me: I can't believe the stores have Christmas decorations out already.  I'd like to enjoy Thanksgiving.
       Response:  But you don't eat turkey, do you?

9.)  Me: There are parts of every religion I disagree with.
      Response: You know you'll go to Hell for that, right?

(And my ultimate least favorite favorite):

10.)  Me: I've decided to make writing my career.
        Response: That sounds like such fun.  I wish I had time to sit around and read and write all day.

Today's Random Thoughts

1.)  Why am I always shocked to discover that I am happier around kind, compassionate people than I am around negative ones?  This shouldn’t be MENSA-level stuff for me anymore.

2.)  I just negotiated with myself like a parent to a child: If you eat broccoli and chick peas for lunch, you get to have a banana for dessert.  I love bananas, but as an adult who has developed all kinds of food intolerances and sensitivities, I really miss the “Payoff” reward foods of my childhood. (Think marshmallow fluff, fudge stripe cookies, and Snickers ice cream bars.)

3.)  In keeping with the food intolerance theme: If food is love, then that explains why I am still single.

4.)  I have officially given up on my quest to adopt a dog.  I am now focusing my efforts on a Chia pet collection.  Bonus: My landlord does not charge a $300 pet deposit for Chias.

5.)  Why do people always ask “Are you afraid of dying?” I’m afraid of the unknown on I-87 during rush hour. So yeah, death freaks me out. 

6.)  Cold & Flu PSA: Everyone in my office is infected and sneezing. And while I get the whole post H1N1 “sneeze into your arm” trend … I just want to remind people that Kleenex is still an option.  Especially if I have to sit across from you and your decorated sleeves in a meeting.

7.)  I recently read that anxiety disorder is a genetically-based condition passed down through generations.  Why couldn’t I just get a funky ear lobe or a freakishly long index finger like a normal person?

8.)  The most negative person I know just complemented my outfit and told me I was a peaceful person.  This means one of two things: either she is about to shed her human form, or she screwed up big time and is trying to assemble allies. I’m not buying whatever she’s pedaling.

9.)  It’s probably not emotionally healthy to long for raisins as much as I do.

10.)Even though my 38^th birthday is Sunday, I already have food limitations, an arthritic shoulder, a spastic bladder, and an inability to drink caffeine after 2pm.  So basically I’m just waiting for the discounts to kick in.

The Top 10 Things That Bother Me About Facebook

(Someone challenged me to this today, so here it is):

1.)   The Games.  Look, it’s not that I don’t care about your need for a pig or a cow.  And it’s not that I don’t want to help stock your restaurant with food and furniture.  But I just can’t help you until I get my own life in order.  Also, I’m a vegan minimalist with multiple food allergies, so I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be your “go to” on this stuff anyway.  Incidentally, your online progress is now hidden from my newsfeed.

2.)  The Passive Aggressive Post.  When you say things like: “I hate it when men think it’s ok to promise to meet you at 6:00 and then don’t show up til 6:30 and hand you some lame excuse about having car trouble even though you KNOW they were with their ex!” a few things are happening for me:

a.    Even in the creative writing world, the run-on sentence is over;

b.    Since it’s pretty clear that you’re actually talking about your husband/boyfriend, I’m guessing that maybe he ditched you for his ex because she doesn’t air his dirty laundry on Facebook;

c.    The only thing that interests me less than the problems in my own relationships are the problems in other people’s;

d.     ALL CAPS and !!exclamation points!! in the same sentence are simply too much.  Like jewelry and make-up, choose one. Choose wisely.

3.)   I think we can all agree: the rolling ticker down the right hand side.  Period.

4.)  The text box in the lower right hand corner, with that little green dot that lets people know “Hey, I am actually here. I’m just ignoring you.”  I use Facebook to avoid engaging and to avoid having to admit that I am avoiding engaging.

5.)  The messages that “A friend has just answered a question” about me that then force me to give up all my personal information in order to see said question. And answer.  Neither of which actually exist.

6.)  As far as I know, Facebook is not planning on charging people money. But who among us doesn’t jump in on that monthly conversation?  I know I do. ::Guilty::

7.)  The Usurpers.  You know the ones. They start out talking to you on your page, but then end up talking to each other, on the post you started, ON your page, with so many inside jokes between them that you couldn’t participate even if you wanted to.

8.)  The Fake out.  You know this one too. The one that keeps posting things like “I’m taking a break from Facebook” and “I’m just not going to post anymore.”  The only person that annoys me more than this person is the people that beg him/her to stay.  Isn’t there enough emotional manipulation in the real world?!

9.)  Somewhat related to Number 8: the “I’m cleaning out my friends list, so let me know if you want to be my friend or I’m ditching you.”  I’m paraphrasing here of course, but you get the point.  Honestly, if I don’t make the cut, then I shouldn’t be asking to make the cut.  Because that would just make me seem desperate.  And if you want a desperate friend, then you’re not the kind of person I even want to be friends with.  Or something like that.

10.)               The addiction.  And I am pointing at myself as well.  I would much rather scroll down my computer screen at the end of a long day than call (or even email) so many truly meaningful people in my life.  The people I once had to make an effort with, once had to interact with through actual, physical contact.  I guess it’s the way of the world now, and we’re all living in it.  While I am grateful that Facebook has put me in touch with many people I had lost over the years, and many people I have met through other people, I often wonder if it has encouraged and rewarded my social laziness, even as it has brought the world into my living room and allowed me to live in it from the comfort of my own couch. 

Today's Random Ten

1.)  I have decided to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November, as part of National Novel Writing Month.  Incidentally, anyone know when National Get Paid Without Working Month is?  I’d like to get started on both endeavors as soon as possible.

2.)  The fact that I am on day seven of a seasonal cold proves that I am, indeed, capable of a long-term relationship after all.

3.)  Does anyone know where I can find the picket line dedicated to protesting pajama jeans?

4.)  I am now referring to all my doctors, specialists, and practitioners as: “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men.”  See you on the other side of the wall, Mr. Dumpty. 

5.)  I am contemplating filling an empty M&M bag with organic pumpkin seeds so I look like a normal emotional eater with a normal trigger food.

6.)  On sunny, cool, autumn days like today, I wish I was at home, curled up on my couch, wearing my favorite sweats, wrapped in my favorite blanket, reading my favorite book. I also feel like this every Monday through Friday between the hours of 9am and 5pm. 

7.)  If there is any experience on Earth as unpleasant as the smell of microwaved fish emanating from the office kitchen in the middle of a workday, I don’t recall ever having experienced it.  But that’s probably just because I was knocked out for my root canal and can’t remember my “colic years.”

8.)  (Numbers 1-7 above bring me 242 words closer to my 50,000 word novel.  In case you’re counting.)

9.)  I always think pink is a good color on me until I catch a glimpse of myself actually wearing it.

10.)  Sometimes when people talk to me, I just answer “Yeah, uh huh” to everything they say.  This is usually a good way to avoid unwanted distractions and conversations.  This is also a good way to end up on the office Kitchen Inventory Committee against your will and without your knowledge.  I’m in charge of paper towels.  I don’t know what that means, either.

Why do they ask?

I usually buy my lunch foods at the Hannaford across the road from my office. They are incredibly helpful and professional there. In fact, the ONLY cashier I don't care for is the woman who licks her fingers before sliding your change out of her drawer and into your hand. No thanks.

Just about every day, while scanning my items, the cashier asks "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I always say "Yes, thanks" either because it's true, or because I am in a hurry and found a suitable substitute. But today they were out of everything. My lunch Plan A and Plan B fell apart. So when I got to the register, I waited for the question. And when it came, I responded with "No, I actually couldn't find any vegetables and you're all out of organic raisins, gluten free oatmeal, and brown rice."

I waited. I figured I would get some info about shipment plans, maybe a secret stash in the back storeroom I could pilfer from. Something useful. And then, the response came:

"Wow. Bummer. Yeah, we're running low."

Thank God for bananas.

Hasky’s Random Thoughts

Some Wednesday afternoon lightness:

1.) I just read that Mariah Carey battles junk food cravings. She does not have my sympathy. At least not for that.

2.) Bananas are Mother Nature’s candy.

3.) If you think that playing your music in your office will signal whining, negative coworkers to leave you alone, you’re wrong.

4.) I am oddly drawn to the smell of Gold Bond Ultimate Healing Lotion With Aloe. I wonder if this is a symptom of something. Low iron? Kidney malfunction?

5.) The zit sisters have moved into the southern hemisphere of my chin. Welcome, ladies.

6.) Some famous writer once wrote: “I write to find out what I don’t know.” I realized as I battled my way through this morning’s painful edit that I write to prove that I don’t know anything.

7.) Where did the Octomom and the Balloon Boy go? They were both pretty big news stories at one time. I’m suspicious that they have teamed up and that someday soon we will see eight little hot air balloons flying overhead and a bunch of crazy parents in hair and makeup running after them faking fear and concern.

8.) Water is like emotions: overrated but unavoidable. So I swallow both.

9.) My birthday has become like every other annual appointment I try to avoid until I Google the consequences of avoidance and see “Death” listed as Number 1.

Starting the Next Chapter

My friend Patty posted this on Facebook today.  And it is the perfect response to my "How do I get through this latest episode of writer's block?"

I edit as I write - and it is a curse.  My writer friends sit through seminars and workshops, their hands sailing across white paper, slowly filling the lines with inky thoughts and useful freewrites.  I execute a single opening sentence, then waste the rest of the time revising it.  Editing.  In some cases, censoring. (Um, are we gonna have to read these out loud?).  Who edits a freewrite as they go?  And still considers it a "freewrite"?!

Again with the life/writing-writing/life mirror, I know.  But it's true  --  you can't move forward if you are always looking back.  And yet, at the same time, you can adjust the future by being aware of the past.  And sometimes, every now and then, after you have moved forward, learned something new, added more words and images to your story, you can go back to a certain place, at a certain time, and delete that comma.  Or combine those two fragments.  Or, if you're really brave (or desperate), kill off that powerful hero you thought was going to triumph in the final sentence.  Because you've glimpsed the future, and things look different as you move forward.  Not better or worse, just different.  Because "forward" is where hope is.  Where possibility lies.  Where all you've done and labored over exhales and expands into a stronger version of itself.  Connected to its origin, but somehow uniquely itself.

And I don't know about you, but when it comes to writing and life, I would rather spend my time filling up the blank pages instead of trying to empty the ones that have already passed me by.